The Rudest Awakening - Just Me and the Captain — LiveJournal
May. 26th, 2013
05:58 pm - The Rudest Awakening
So I just got back from Reunion and, as usual, it was a great weekend all around. The commencement speaker was Joss Whedon '87 who was both witty and brilliant and I expected no less (I saw him at various points around campus during the weekend, but he always seemed engaged in conversation so I didn't bother speaking to him personally this time). However, it wasn't entirely without its share of misadventure and it is that story which I am about to relate for your pleasure and to record for posterity.
I didn't get much sleep this weekend (about 14 hours or so over four days), yet somehow I managed to get second, third, and fourth winds just as I needed them. I registered with the university and they put me up in Clark, and I actually had a roommate this time around in the form of Mike Miller (seven years I'd been staying in the dorms, but somehow I always got a single until now). We were both night owls so it actually worked out pretty well as he ended up going back to Clark around 4:15 AM and I was only about 10 minutes or so behind. He was barely in bed as I quickly prepared to hit the hay myself as I did my nightly routine of removing my contacts and shutting the door, which I assumed to be like the other dormitories and lock automatically upon closing. And off to the land of dreams I went.
Around 5:45 AM someone was shaking me awake. I didn't know it was so early and my first thought was that I actually overslept and it was Mike urging me to get up so that I didn't miss Joss' speech. But since it was dark, I was legally blind, and had just come from a relatively deep sleep, it took a few seconds to realize it wasn't Mike at all. In fact, I had no idea who it was. However, I quickly assessed one fact about him: he was incredibly inebriated.
He spoke some slurred words and it was difficult to make out what exactly it was he said, though when my brain processed them they were perhaps the most frightening thing I could have heard. My best interpretation was: "Ya gotta get up. I need to take a piss." I'm still trying to get my bearings and as I'm wondering "What in God's name is happening right now?" the intruder starts removing his pants. Fortunately, about that point Mike was starting to wake up and had more presence of mind to shout at the stranger "Dude, the bathroom is down the hall to the left. Please leave and use that." The guy responds rather drunkenly that he's fine and he just needs to take a dump on my bed as he starts to sit down. I'm still too confused to respond in any capacity, but Mike is up and escorts our new friend out into the hall explaining that this isn't his room and as soon as he closes it he quickly locks the door which I have now learned doesn't automatically lock itself.
Unfortunately, his pants are still in the room and he begins knocking and we eventually realize he's not going away so we re-open the door so he can get his pants, though he still seems to believe this is his room. He claims his shoes are also inside, but after a quick search of my belongings I believe they are not around. Mike somehow restrains from punching the guy in the face and escorts him out a second time explaining we have nothing more of his and now hope he goes away.
I never saw him in the morning and don't know if he ever found his shoes or even if he remembers anything at all, but I'm pretty sure this was just about the worst wake-up call I've ever received.